Control Over Others, Especially Our Children

Yesterday we reflected on how trying to control our own lives burdens the heart. But there is another form of control that weighs even heavier, and that is the control we try to have over others, especially those we love the most.

We often tell ourselves it comes from care, protection and love. But sometimes, without realising it, it comes from fear. Fear of what might happen if we are not the ones deciding, guiding or managing every move.

This is most visible in how we deal with our children, siblings or family members.

We want to choose when they get married, who they marry, what career path they follow, when they should become religious, how much ibadah they should do, how they should express emotions. We want their lives to follow our timeline and our understanding of what is best. We forget that they too have a journey written by Allah, separate from ours.

We fear that if we let go, they will fall. But we forget that Allah is their Lord, just as He is ours.

Signs of wanting to control others:

Feeling anxious when our children do not follow our exact advice.

Forcing religious habits without nurturing understanding and love.

Feeling angry when someone’s timeline for marriage, studies or healing does not match ours.

Trying to prevent every mistake, forgetting that sometimes mistakes are the very doors Allah uses to bring people back to Him.

We must remember, tawakkul is not only about our personal life. Tawakkul is also trusting Allah with the lives of those we love.

You can guide, but you cannot decree.

You can teach, but you cannot transform hearts.

You can warn, but you cannot write destiny.

You can love deeply, but you cannot rewrite what Allah has written.

The pain comes when we confuse influence with control.

Parents especially struggle. We say, I just want what is best for my child. But sometimes, what we call best is only our version of best. Allah may lead them through a completely different path, one with more lessons, more depth, more closeness to Him.

Some people only find Allah after falling. Some only soften after breaking. Some only return when everything else has failed them. And that too is mercy.

Your worry does not protect them. Your control does not save them. Allah does.

What is our role

Make du’ā. Teach with gentleness. Be an example of faith, not fear. And when it comes to the rest, surrender.

Allow them to discover Allah, even if their path looks different to yours.

Tawakkul in relationships means:

I will not force, I will guide.

I will not control, I will trust.

I will not panic at every turn, I will believe Allah is watching over them even when I am not.

Maybe the greatest form of love is trusting Allah with those you cannot control.

Real love is not possession.

Real love is prayer.

Real love is surrender.

May Allah grant us wisdom in our guidance, softness in our hearts and tawakkul in what we cannot control. Ameen.