Real Love in Islam is Built, Not Just Felt

Attraction is not love.

You can feel drawn to someone. Captivated by their presence. Convinced that they are the one. But attraction alone is not a sign from Allah. It is not proof of divine compatibility. And it is certainly not a guarantee of safety.

In Islam, love is not measured by how strong the feelings are. It is measured by how well two people grow together, in character, in sincerity, and in taqwa.

You may be drawn to someone deeply, only to later realise that your heart was pulled toward them not from a place of wholeness, but from wounds that were never healed. You were not choosing them from clarity, but from craving. The craving to be seen, to be saved, to be chosen.

And this is where many find themselves in marriages rooted not in love, but in trauma bonds.

When we do not understand our own emotional patterns, we become vulnerable to codependency. We think love means rescuing. We confuse being needed with being loved. We silence our discomfort to keep the peace. We sacrifice our identity to feel safe.

And that is exactly the space where narcissistic abuse thrives.

A person who lacks empathy will sense your emotional hunger and feed it with charm. They will mirror your values, play on your dreams, and present themselves as your perfect match. But once you are emotionally entangled, their mask begins to slip. They criticise your voice. They mock your sincerity. They gaslight your intuition. They make you feel like the problem, while slowly eroding your confidence and connection with Allah.

You begin to lose yourself, not only emotionally, but spiritually.

And yet you stay. Because you think this is your test. You think sabr means accepting harm. You think walking away would mean you failed. But in reality, you were never in a marriage rooted in Islamic love. You were in a cycle of spiritual and emotional control.

Allah says:

“And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy…”

(Qur’ān 30:21)

Where there is no tranquility, no affection, no mercy — it is time to ask, is this truly what Allah intended for you?

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“The best of you are those who are best to their wives.”

(Tirmidhi)

Not the ones who dominate. Not the ones who use religion to silence. Not the ones who manipulate through guilt. The best are those who are kind. Consistent. Emotionally present. Spiritually uplifting.

Real love in Islam is not about being perfect. It is about striving together. It is about recognising your own patterns, healing your wounds, and choosing a spouse from wholeness rather than desperation. It is about being aware enough to say, “This love is not love if it requires me to lose myself.”

If one partner refuses to grow, refuses to be accountable, and refuses to honour the relationship as a trust from Allah, then the marriage cannot grow. You cannot carry both people’s responsibilities. You cannot become smaller so someone else can feel in control.

Marriage is not just about companionship. It is a mirror. It shows you who you are. It tests your ego. It refines your soul. But if your mirror only reflects back pain, distortion, and confusion, then it is time to choose healing over holding on.

So ask yourself:

Is what I am calling love actually love?

Or is it a trauma bond that feels familiar?

Is this person helping me grow for the sake of Allah?

Or are they slowly turning me away from Him?

Love in Islam is meant to feel like a return to yourself and to your Lord. Not like a battle for your worth. Not like a war within your heart.

When you begin to love yourself sincerely, through the lens of who Allah created you to be, you stop accepting relationships that pull you away from your fitrah.

May Allah protect you from illusions disguised as love

Heal the part of you that settles for harm

And guide you to a partnership that brings peace, sincerity, and barakah to your life and your akhirah

Ameen