How Covert Abuse Creeps In Without You Realising
Covert abuse is one of the most dangerous forms of abuse because it doesn’t arrive with warning signs. It doesn’t shout or strike at first glance. It whispers. It confuses. It slowly chips away at your sense of safety and identity without you even realising it.
No one would stay in a relationship that started out abusive. And abusers know that. Which is why covert abuse begins with charm, praise, connection, and what feels like deep love. But slowly, it shifts. And by the time you feel the damage, you’ve already formed an attachment to a version of them that no longer exists.
Here are the subtle ways covert abuse takes hold:
1. Idealisation to Devaluing
In the beginning, you are praised. Admired. Put on a pedestal. You feel like you’ve finally been seen and loved. But then it changes. Not suddenly, but slowly. The compliments turn into comparisons. The admiration turns into criticism. And the worst part is, because you experienced such strong idealisation, your mind struggles to reconcile this new behaviour. You begin to wonder if you did something wrong. You hold onto the memory of the person they used to be, not realising that version was never real.
2. Boundary Pushing
Covert abusers are masterful at gently pushing past your boundaries. Not with force, but with manipulation. They use guilt, silence, or confusion to make you doubt yourself. If you say no, they make you feel selfish. If you speak up, they act like you are overreacting. And every time you let one boundary slide, they push it again. Until eventually, your lines blur completely and you no longer know what is reasonable to expect or accept.
3. Justifying Abuse with ‘Reasonable’ Explanations
One of the most confusing things about covert abuse is how it is often paired with what seems like logic. They hurt you but explain it in a way that sounds valid. They raise their voice but say it’s because they care. They withdraw emotionally but say it’s because they’re overwhelmed. They criticise you but frame it as being honest or helpful. You begin to question your own reactions. You wonder if maybe you are being too sensitive. And you silence your own discomfort to keep the peace.
4. Struggling to Identify the Abuse
Because covert abuse doesn’t look like the obvious forms of abuse many people know, you may not even realise what you’re going through is abuse. You don’t have bruises. They’re not shouting all the time. They’re not always cruel. In fact, sometimes they’re kind again, and that’s what makes it even more confusing. The mixed signals keep you stuck in self-doubt. Your heart knows something is wrong, but your mind struggles to name it.
5. Abuse Increases with Commitment
The further into the relationship you go, the more the abuse tends to grow. After a commitment is made, after marriage, after children, the control increases, the criticism sharpens, the silence becomes colder. You’ve already invested so much. You’ve already explained away so many red flags. And now, leaving feels harder than ever.
Each of these steps slowly raises your tolerance for pain
You begin to normalise what once would have been unacceptable
You lose sight of where you end and where they begin
And worst of all, you start to forget what it felt like to be emotionally safe
But here’s the truth
It’s not your fault
You didn’t miss the signs. The signs were disguised
You didn’t allow the abuse. The abuse was gradual and strategic
And you’re not weak for staying. You were made to believe that leaving was the problem
Covert abuse is not less damaging than overt abuse. In many ways, it’s more psychologically and spiritually destructive because it’s harder to name, harder to prove, and harder to escape.
But healing is possible
Clarity is possible
And peace is still available to you
Allah sees what no one else sees
And He is never unjust
If this post resonates with you, know that what you are feeling is real. And you are not alone. Healing begins when truth is acknowledged. And safety begins the moment you decide you deserve better