Codependency, People-Pleasing & Staying in Abusive Relationships: A Reflection on Self-Worth
Codependency is often misunderstood. It is not just about being overly dependent on someone—it is a deep-seated pattern of seeking validation, sacrificing oneself, and deriving self-worth from being needed. At its core, codependency is a loss of self.
Many who struggle with codependency find themselves trapped in cycles of people-pleasing. They say “yes” when they mean “no.” They tolerate mistreatment in the hope that love will be reciprocated. They quiet their own needs, believing that being selfless is the highest form of love. But is it really? Or is it a wound disguised as virtue?
When someone is caught in an abusive relationship, codependency makes it incredibly difficult to leave. The abuser often reinforces the idea that the victim is unworthy, unlovable, or incapable. And because the codependent person has already learned to seek validation from others, they internalise these lies. They believe that if they just try harder, love better, fix more, or endure longer, things will change.
But here’s the truth: Love is not something you earn through suffering. Love does not require you to break yourself into smaller pieces so someone else can feel whole.
To break free from this cycle, we must ask:
Where did I learn that my worth is based on what I do for others?
Why do I believe love must be earned through pain?
Who would I be if I was no longer seeking validation from others?
Healing from codependency means learning to stand in your own worth, independent of how others perceive you. It means realising that your kindness does not need to be a currency for love. It means knowing that you are already whole.
If you are struggling, know this: You are not here to be the fixer, the saviour, or the one who always bends. You are worthy of a love that nurtures, not one that drains. And most importantly, the love you’ve been searching for? It begins within you.
May Allah grant clarity to those who feel lost in these cycles and give them the strength to reclaim themselves. Ameen.