When Trying to Make It Work Hurts More Than the Separation
Separation and divorce are painful experiences. They shake you, they test your patience, and they leave you questioning your worth. Yet, as hard as letting go can be, there is something even more painful than the separation itself. That pain comes from trying to make it work with someone who has repeatedly shown, through their words and actions, that they do not truly care about you.
When you are in a relationship with someone who disregards your feelings, ignores your needs, and consistently fails to respect you, every attempt to “fix” things can feel like running in circles. You give your heart, your time, and your energy, hoping for change, hoping for consistency, hoping for love. And yet, the cycle continues. The lack of care becomes more evident with every conversation, every disagreement, and every instance where your needs are minimised or dismissed.
This kind of pain is insidious because it disguises itself as hope. You remember the moments when things seemed right, the glimpses of kindness or attention, and you cling to them. You hope that the person will finally show up the way you need them to, forgetting that their pattern has been consistent. Each time you hope, each time you compromise, you chip away at your own peace, your confidence, and your sense of self-worth.
Trying to make it work with someone who does not value you is exhausting. It leaves you anxious, doubting your perceptions, and questioning whether you are being too sensitive or too demanding. It can make you feel trapped, as if you are responsible for their change, their mood, and their happiness. This is not love. This is a burden placed on your heart by someone unwilling to meet you halfway.
Healing begins the moment you recognise the truth. No amount of effort or sacrifice can force someone to care genuinely if it is not in their nature to do so. Walking away is not giving up. Walking away is reclaiming your dignity, your peace, and your energy. It is choosing yourself when the other person has consistently failed to choose you.
Allah reminds us that our hearts are precious, and we are not meant to remain in places that harm our spiritual, emotional, or mental well-being. Sometimes letting go is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. Sometimes accepting that someone will never value you enough is the first step towards finding people and spaces that will uplift, support, and nurture you.
The heartbreak of letting go is temporary. The relief of freeing yourself from repeated neglect and indifference is permanent. Trust Allah’s wisdom, trust your instincts, and allow yourself to walk away from the one who has made caring for you a burden rather than a blessing.
Here are some practical steps and du’ās to help heal and release yourself from the pain of trying to make it work with someone who does not care genuinely:
1. Make Istighfār and Seek Forgiveness
Start by purifying your heart. Ask Allah for forgiveness for any moments you doubted yourself, clung too tightly, or allowed your peace to be compromised. This helps release guilt and regret. Recite:
“Astaghfirullāh al-‘azīm alladhī lā ilāha illā Huwal Ḥayyul Qayyūm wa atūbu ilayh”
I seek forgiveness from Allah the Almighty, there is no deity but Him, the Ever-Living, the Sustainer, and I repent to Him.
2. Pray for Detachment and Protection
Visualise a cord of attachment between you and the person. Each day, close your eyes and imagine that cord being cut. Say:
“Oh Allah, create distance and detachment between me and this person. Protect my heart and mind from their influence and harm.”
3. Focus on Your Own Healing
Engage in activities that nourish your soul, body, and mind. This could be Qur’ān recitation, dhikr, journaling, or spending time in nature. Reconnect with your hobbies and passions that bring genuine joy.
4. Strengthen Your Connection with Allah
Make your relationship with Allah central. Perform your Salaah with presence and intention, read Qur’ān daily, and make du’ā for guidance and strength. This creates a spiritual shield that safeguards your heart from being influenced by toxic people.
5. Set Clear Boundaries
Even after separation, protect yourself from contact that might reignite pain or manipulation. Limit interactions and remove yourself from environments where the person can interfere with your peace.
6. Seek Support
Reach out to trusted sisters, friends, or mentors who understand the emotional and spiritual dimensions of leaving a toxic relationship. Sometimes verbalising your experiences and receiving validation is part of the healing.
7. Make Specific Du’ās for Emotional Freedom
You can recite:
“Allahumma inni a’udhu bika min sharri kulli shay’in yudhillu qalbi, wa a’udhu bika an yudilla qalbi, wa a’udhu bika min al-ghafla wa al-huzn.”
O Allah, I seek refuge in You from the evil of everything that misguides my heart, and I seek refuge in You from having my heart misled, and I seek refuge in You from heedlessness and sadness.
8. Practice Daily Reminders
Remind yourself that leaving was an act of self-preservation. Write affirmations such as: I am safe, I am valued, I am protected by Allah, and I am free from harm. Repeat them whenever thoughts of the past arise.
Healing is not instant, and moments of longing or doubt may come. Be patient with yourself, keep your heart connected to Allah, and remember that the One who sees everything will never let your efforts to protect your peace go unnoticed.