Let’s Talk About What “Hard” Really Means in Marriage

As a community, we really need to start speaking more honestly about what is “acceptable or tolerable hard” in marriage, and what is “NOT acceptable or tolerable hard.”

One of the most common things a girl or woman hears before getting married, or just after she gets married, is

“the first few years are hard.”

And yes, that can be true.

It’s hard because life suddenly looks different.

You’re adjusting to another human being.

A new home, new routines, new expectations, new roles.

There’s emotional overwhelm, learning how to communicate, learning how to live with someone instead of just alongside them.

That kind of hard is normal.

But here’s the problem.

Because women hear “the first few years are hard” so often, everything starts getting put under that label.

Abuse becomes “hard.”

Oppression becomes “hard.”

Constant conflict becomes “hard.”

Manipulation, control, injustice, emotional neglect, fear, walking on eggshells, having no voice… all of it gets normalised as part of the struggle.

And so a woman stays.

She stays because she thinks, this is what they warned me about.

She stays because she believes patience means enduring harm.

She stays because she’s clinging to the hope that “it gets better” — while everything inside her is actually getting worse.

What no one explained to her is that there is a huge difference between:

• marriage being hard because you’re adjusting

and

• marriage being harmful because there is no safety, no justice, no accountability, no willingness to change

Tolerable hard looks like:

Misunderstandings that are worked through

Disagreements where both are heard

Struggles where effort exists on both sides

Growth, even if it’s slow

A husband who is willing to reflect, take responsibility, and improve

Not tolerable hard looks like:

Abuse in any form

Control and isolation

Constant fear, anxiety, or emotional shutdown

Being silenced, dismissed, or blamed

A pattern of harm with no accountability

A husband who refuses to change, seek help, or consider his wife

That is not “marriage being hard.”

That is injustice.

And patience in Islam was never meant to mean accepting ظلم (oppression).

When we fail to make this distinction clear, we unintentionally trap women in situations that destroy them — spiritually, emotionally, and sometimes physically — all in the name of “sabr.”

We need to start speaking clearly.

We need to stop romanticising suffering.

We need to teach our daughters, sisters, and friends that struggle does not equal abuse, and endurance does not mean self-erasure.

Marriage may require patience.

But it should never require you to lose your dignity, safety, or sense of self.

And if you’re reading this and something inside you feels heavy — that’s not weakness.

That’s your fitrah recognising that something isn’t right.

May we become a community that protects, educates, and speaks the truth — before another woman mistakes harm for “normal hardship.”